You're adrift. Rudderless. Tossed hither and yon by forces beyond your ken. Take heart! The stars have opened their secrets to the all-seeing eye of Jason Toon, and he's here to lead you through the very specific events of the coming week…
ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): You will only move forward in life when you accept that your problems will not be solved by hot yoga.
TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): You are being seriously considered for the role of C.C. DeVille in the upcoming Poison biopic.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): By the end of the week, you will never look at waffle fries the same way again.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): When a streetwise anteater moves in with his upscale relatives in the suburbs, everyone learns a lesson about tolerance, acceptance, and eating ants.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Your lucky amateur rowing competition: the Wingfield Sculls.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): That awkward, distant neighbor of yours will turn out not to be a serial killer.
LIBRA (Sep. 23-Oct.22): Another week will pass without you figuring out where those damn fruit flies are coming from.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Embarrassment will ensue when you momentarily confuse Jamie Foxx and Jamie Farr.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): When exploring new career opportunities, remember: you don't have to disclose past accusations of organ theft, only convictions.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): This is not a good week to borrow money from relatives. Consider ways to steal it from them instead.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): This week will find you exploring the grey area between "introvert" and "total prick".
PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Your lucky Korean dessert: bungeoppang (carp bread).
WARNING: Ridiculously Specific Horoscopes are presented for serious personal guidance only, NOT for entertainment value! If you are entertained by them, stop it immediately! Do not mock forces you do not understand!